Smelling the Number 9

color 9When I saw this picture I knew I had to post it. For the life of me I do not understand some people. I don’t understand their reasoning or way of analyzing and their behaviors, not to mention the rationalization of their behaviors. I’m not even going to write a post here about the whys and wherefores because your guess is as good as mine.

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A New Year, A New Birthday, Moving On

My head’s been a jumble of many things the past few weeks. So much swirling around, each metaphorical leaf making loops in the air and never landing in the same spot twice. So this blog post will seem a bit jumbled as well. I know what I mean in my mind. I just don’t know that I can get it “on paper”.

I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot. What they mean to me. And what they don’t. What commitment means to me. And what it doesn’t. Mostly, I’ve been thinking about how people move on in their lives.

I know one person who just had a breakup and the other party, 4 weeks later, already has another “friend”. Is that all they had together that the other party was able to move on so quickly? I understand that you get on with your life but really? To me it begs the question of what did it all mean to begin with. Was my friend so disposable? Or so interchangeable?

I’ve wondered that for years, especially since my ex husband moved on so very quickly after we split up. He was dating a week after I moved out. So much for the afterglow.

I’ve had so many changes in my life this past year and my biggest accomplishment frankly is that I think I’ve gotten the hang of letting go of stuff. I’m not so good at letting go of people. Sometimes people just need to be let go. I read something on FB today that said that when the past comes calling you should let it go to voicemail because it really has nothing new to say.

So I often question, when is the past the past and when is it just a chrysalis, just in a state of change? When do you know when it’s done? Like how do you know that kimchi has gone bad? It’s already fermented and smells foul. So how do you know when something has changed but is still good?

In the midst of all this STUFF going on in my head, we have New Years and everybody wanting to know what my resolutions are. Want to know? I NEVER  do resolutions on New Years because I think it’s lame. Everyone does them. Everyone breaks them. It’s such a fake requirement. I DO make resolutions however. Mine just tend to be ongoing.

I will continue on the let go journey. I will continue on my healthy mind and healthy body journey. I will work on forgiving (this one is tough).

Plus my birthday is coming up next Friday! For once I’m sort of excited. I am not leaving town for the first time in years. It was always sort of an obligation and not going is very freeing. For the first time in years I can do what I want!!  Tee hee!

So that’s all there is. I may or may not write more before the end of the year. Here’s to a happy, healthy and prosperous year to us all.

Suz

Anger, Forgiveness, Moving Forward

It’s always been interesting to me how the Universe sends you messages if you’re just willing to see them. I was thinking just today (pulling out of the Sheetz parking lot after obtaining my $3.07 lunch) about a situation of my own that has gone from sadness to outright anger. Anger that I am largely holding in and certainly not directing at the person I hold responsible.

About a month ago my “friend” “boyfriend” or whatever you could call him told me that he wanted me to be part of his life forever but only as a friend because he didn’t want to hurt me or for us to hate each other as he and his other exes do (they detest each other so vehemently, wife #1 has been suing him almost continually for 10 long years). I moved through the intense sadness into a numbness. But now, I’m in a state of anger as I mull things over and I think that I should not have this anger.

Then today I read this: “Sometimes we’re just hurting, period. Allowing the feelings of pain to have some room and some time is so necessary. Trying to race to forgiveness isn’t realistic.” From an article at Mind Body Green:  http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11950/why-its-good-if-you-feel-angry-depressed-and-alone.html). The Universe speaking to me loud and clear.

And so it goes. I’m not ready to forgive him. I am not ready to say that it’s okay that we “dated” for a year while he was going through a divorce (I was not part of the breakup, we met afterward) and that a month after the divorce was final, he wants to be “just friends”. GAG ME. Yes, I feel used. I feel that I was good  enough until he was “free” and now I’ve been tossed aside. It may or may not be the truth as he sees it but since I feel it, it is MY truth.

I’m also not ready to forgive a family member that tried to guilt me into doing something so wrong it could have been considered illegal (in fact I would say that it would have been illegal). I keep saying I want to get past it, but I am not ready.

So the person I need to forgive for not being forgiving is myself and allow myself the space to feel what I feel.

And Now for Something Completely Random

Occasionally, and just for fun, some completely random things I’ve been up to:

Eating an Evol chicken fajita burrito. If you have to eat pre-made for lunch this stuff is really pretty decent. Well made and not full of junk.

Reading “The Light Between Oceans” by M.L. Stedman. The synopsis from Barnes and Noble webpage “After four harrowing years on the Western Front, Tom Sherbourne returns to Australia and takes a job as the lighthouse keeper on Janus Rock, nearly half a day’s journey from the coast. To this isolated island, where the supply boat comes once a season and shore leaves are granted every other year at best, Tom brings a young, bold, and loving wife, Isabel. Years later, after two miscarriages and one stillbirth, the grieving Isabel hears a baby’s cries on the wind. A boat has washed up onshore carrying a dead man and a living baby.

Tom, whose records as a lighthouse keeper are meticulous and whose moral principles have withstood a horrific war, wants to report the man and infant immediately. But Isabel has taken the tiny baby to her breast. Against Tom’s judgment, they claim her as their own and name her Lucy. When she is two, Tom and Isabel return to the mainland and are reminded that there are other people in the world. Their choice has devastated one of them.”

Watching “Atlantis” on BBC America. Not bad. Also mourning the mid-season finale of “The Blacklist”. It snuck up on me and now it’s on hiatus. Really love it. As usual, James Spader is wonderfully, deliciously creepy. Looking forward to the Doctor Who Christmas Special.

Listening to not much of anything. Just read the NPR editors’ list of their 50 favorite records of the year and I only knew of 5 of them and only have some of the music from 2 of them and I won’t be purchasing anything by Kanye West anytime soon. I just purchased a Carolina Dew Drops single after hearing them on a local radio show on a recent Saturday (specifically WMRA’s “Acoustic Cafe”).  I can’t say that much in music excites me so hearing that CDD song as well as some Amos Lee warmed me.

Baking a bread from the blog called Naturally Ella (http://naturallyella.com/). Made her bread this weekend and it is a rousing success. Here’s the exact page: http://naturallyella.com/2011/03/21/a-few-words-and-video-about-bread/. Fabulous.

Looking forward to The Hobbit!

Working from home and can’t wait to get out of the house and back to my office. Damn snow.

Thinking about…

lilacs

 

lilacs,

and spring.

 

Courage

I wrote down some quotes on courage that I really liked. I thought I’d share them after I threw in my 2 cents about what I think courage is — and isn’t.

Over the years I have learned that courage isn’t doing things you don’t enjoy because you “should”. It is learning to do certain things in spite of fear because there are things that have to be accomplished, like those trips to the grocery store. Over time, feeling the fear and doing it anyway (also the title of a remarkable book by Dr. Susan Jeffers) reduces the fear and you do things just because. But that doesn’t make you courageous.

Courage is speaking your mind even when it will alienate people. Now that doesn’t mean you have to be rude or mean spirited or hateful. In fact, what I am talking about is speaking up about injustice and supporting simple humanity even when the majority would rather stick its collective head up its collective ass. I know I could have said that the majority sticks its head in the sand but I am serious when I say “up its ass” (and besides, making that comment a few weeks ago got my post on FB deleted by an acquaintance; it’s a badge of honor; I struck a nerve — now that’s courage!).

Courage, for me has been being alone and doing things alone even when I’m terrified. After 10 years of singledom, I know the feeling of “terrified” quite well. I like it. I don’t like it. Just saying that now is courageous. I usually hide it.

Courage is recognizing that there are some things you are not ready to do or just don’t like, whether that be climb a mountain, kayak (like me learning to do rolls and realizing how much I hated doing it), working in an office, being “friends” with certain people, and doing something about it (that’s the courageous part).

So here are the quotes which say what I think much more elegantly.

“Courageous risks are life giving, they help you grow, make you brave and make you better than you are.” ~ Joan L. Curcio

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” ~ Ambrose Redmoon

“Be courageous. It’s one of the only places left uncrowded.” ~ Anita Roddick

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face….You must do the thing you  think you cannot do.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” ~ William Faulkner

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Bullshit!

There! I’ve said it. I don’t think this is the most wonderful time of the year. Why? Frankly, the entire “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” motif seems forced. Christmas decorations were out before Halloween. Where the hell did Thanksgiving go? Chanukah was a blip for me (being that it was on Thanksgiving).

All the holiday “cheer”. Give me a break. For those of us that have no family living nearby, this is a difficult time of the year. Facebook makes it worse. Every Tom, Dick and Jane posting pictures of their family get-togethers and their tree trimming. There is nothing like hearing all about the family Thanksgiving when you don’t have anywhere to go. Is it any wonder so many people are depressed at this time of the year?

I’m luckier than most single people without family nearby because I have a few friends that would never let me be alone, and believe me, that really helps and I am more than eternally grateful. Plus my dad was here this year for Thanksgiving and stayed for 3 weeks. That was awesome.

Not to mention the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). From an article in Mother Earth Living newsletter “When the weather gets cold and the days grow short, half a million people around the world fall into a depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). “SAD can be severely debilitating; it adversely affects the sufferer’s ability to work and socialize,” says Stephen Ilardi, author of The Depression Cure: The Six Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs. Subsyndromal Seasonal Affective Disorder (SSAD), a less-severe version, makes many more people sad and sluggish, with less mental clarity and less restful sleep, Ilardi says. (Read more: http://www.motherearthliving.com/health-and-wellness/beat-seasonal-affective-disorder-sad-with-light-therapy.aspx#ixzz2n0I6B0Il)

I have dealt with SAD all of my life.  On days when the sun won’t come out and/or you’re snowed in, it’s hell on earth. And I cope better than most. I have a support system. I have projects to keep me busy and I have self-care skills that are excellent (a new development in my now half-century life thank goodness!). I understand the importance of getting fresh air and limited sunshine even when it’s frigid outside. It’s still hard. Luckily here in Northern Virginia, Spring will be here soon enough. Today I spent an hour on Pinterest looking at pictures of lilacs. 

This may be anecdotal but it seems to me a number of people lose their jobs at this time of year. I know that my business drops off this time of year and makes things financially more insecure.

Last but not least for me (and only me), my birthday is right after New Year’s and while I am happier at 50+ than I have ever been in my life, I get the birthday blues.  Ideas for a way to make it brighter are welcome.

Happy holidays y’all.