It’s always been interesting to me how the Universe sends you messages if you’re just willing to see them. I was thinking just today (pulling out of the Sheetz parking lot after obtaining my $3.07 lunch) about a situation of my own that has gone from sadness to outright anger. Anger that I am largely holding in and certainly not directing at the person I hold responsible.
About a month ago my “friend” “boyfriend” or whatever you could call him told me that he wanted me to be part of his life forever but only as a friend because he didn’t want to hurt me or for us to hate each other as he and his other exes do (they detest each other so vehemently, wife #1 has been suing him almost continually for 10 long years). I moved through the intense sadness into a numbness. But now, I’m in a state of anger as I mull things over and I think that I should not have this anger.
Then today I read this: “Sometimes we’re just hurting, period. Allowing the feelings of pain to have some room and some time is so necessary. Trying to race to forgiveness isn’t realistic.” From an article at Mind Body Green: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11950/why-its-good-if-you-feel-angry-depressed-and-alone.html). The Universe speaking to me loud and clear.
And so it goes. I’m not ready to forgive him. I am not ready to say that it’s okay that we “dated” for a year while he was going through a divorce (I was not part of the breakup, we met afterward) and that a month after the divorce was final, he wants to be “just friends”. GAG ME. Yes, I feel used. I feel that I was good enough until he was “free” and now I’ve been tossed aside. It may or may not be the truth as he sees it but since I feel it, it is MY truth.
I’m also not ready to forgive a family member that tried to guilt me into doing something so wrong it could have been considered illegal (in fact I would say that it would have been illegal). I keep saying I want to get past it, but I am not ready.
So the person I need to forgive for not being forgiving is myself and allow myself the space to feel what I feel.