What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up

So let me begin by saying that I just had a 54th birthday so this isn’t a post by some tween mulling over how to get out of her parents’ house as soon as possible and becoming a rock star.

Myself, I wanted to be a drummer. I never learned to play drums however so that dream was a complete bust.

Nonetheless, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Oh, I’m a total adult. I take responsibility for myself. I think I’m a good friend, daughter, sister, cat mom. I am good at what I do and I take good care of my clients. I like what I do. I earn a decent living. I live a good life.

Yet, there’s still that niggling feeling that I am not living the life I should be living. Problem is I have no frigging idea what that life should look like.

I’ve tried energy healing (which I highly recommend), meditation, yoga, massage, tarot cards (okay, that was years ago and I threw it in there for fun)….

I don’t have the answers obviously but I KNOW that I was meant to do something else with whatever time I have left on this Earth.

I read somewhere that if you really feel this way you should give up what you have and plow headlong into the abyss and just “go for it” and the Universe will meet you.

 

My problem is that I have been totally unable to focus on what it is I want to do. I always wanted to write. So I did. I wrote a few nonfiction books. I earn a few shekels on a textbook I wrote but it’s certainly not enough to live on, because I also know that I have no desire to struggle financially anymore. I’ve been down that path more than once and I’m done with that. Bought that t-shirt. Wore it out. Threw it away.

My days are sometimes such a blur of activity I don’t always feel like I have the space to breathe. I went to Florida about a week and a half ago to visit my mom, my BFF and to see my “adopted” grandma who turned 99 years old. Four and a half whirlwind days of visiting and eating and napping (!!) (and a few hours of the beach — my happy place). I came back to a full schedule between Wednesday and Friday and by Wednesday afternoon I was frazzled and by Saturday, felt like I had not even been away. I’ve been back for exactly 7 days and I’m exhausted. With this level of activity I don’t feel like doing much of anything in the downtime but be a vegetable and watch some TV and maybe read. I don’t feel very creative at that point.

I’m so very done with this way of living.

But that brings me back to what the HELL do I want to do with my life $1 million question.

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