How Not to Give a Woman Mixed Messages

It’s kind of funny how this post came  to me. About three weeks ago I had a dream and when I woke,  this post was more than a seed, it was almost in full bloom. I thought about this post for a number of days before I ever put pen-to-paper or finger to keyboard as it were. But now here we are and after sitting on it for an additional two weeks I’m pushing it out into the world. (Should I ?  Should I not?)

And so what is this about? What I was thinking about in my sleep was how men give women the wrong impression when they are dating. Yeah I resemble most of these remarks. I’m sure there are a few people who will wonder who I’m talking about. Some of these go back more years than most of you know me. But if you see yourself in any of this, perhaps there’s a lesson to be learned. Here we go.

Dear Men:

If you don’t want a woman to think you are serious about her please do not buy her perfume. Even if it’s her birthday, I implore you –  don’t do it. Perfume is a very personal thing and if you are buying her something that you think smells good it implies that you want to smell HER in that perfume. So if you’re not serious don’t buy her perfume.

Dear God if you’re not serious about her (or taking her away on a weekend excursion just for sex) do not buy her lingerie. Lingerie is rather very  personal n’est ce pas? In fact, even if you are in a serious relationship, some advice –  if you’re buying her lingerie for her birthday? That is a present for you, not for her. I would suggest buying her something else for her birthday and save the lingerie for maybe your anniversary together.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman don’t introduce her to your parents. Or your siblings. Or your best friend. Or your children . At least not early on. Those introductions are indications that you may like the person more than you really do. Inviting a woman to a meal at your parents’ house when you do not have the intent to date her more than casually is giving the wrong message.

Conversely, never inviting a woman to dinner at your parents’ house is also a message. Those holidays that were spent alone? Yeah, believe me, received the message loud and clear.

If you are away on a business trip, or a holiday with your family, children, or friends, do not call the woman that you have no intent on being in a relationship with to tell her that you miss her and look forward to seeing her when you get back. Talk about a mixed message.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman don’t  stay with her for the weekend (at your place or hers). Especially when the kids are around. Or go on a vacation with her or to visit her family. Or go to her high school reunion (or family wedding or bar mitzvah or friend’s milestone party). This is even more important  when her hometown is a long car trip or plane ride away and includes a hotel stay or worse, at her parents’.

If you are dating someone and get transferred out of state don’t invite her to visit if your intent is to break up. She has better things to do than spend her money and vacation time  getting dumped by you in a strange environment and then have to take the red eye home with red eyes.

One month or one year, if you aren’t intending on hanging around, being solo, somewhat monogamous with a woman isn’t exactly honest. It provides a false sense of security and is disingenuous. I can guarantee that the longer you are “a couple” the more comfortable a woman will be that you want to be with her. Just pull the bandaid off and be done with it. Having ones heart broken doesn’t get easier the longer you string her along. And yes, you are stringing her along.

Last and probably not least,  if you don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman do not give her jewelry, especially if it has a heart on it. It may not be heartless but it certainly is thoughtless. You are giving her a message that you most certainly don’t intend. Do I have to spell this one out? Really? You are not giving this woman your heart so skip the heart jewelry.

I’m sure other people have their own stories to tell. These are mine more or less. Now excuse me while I dream some more blog posts. Night.


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