As you have figured out by now, the last year has been filled with grief and heartache. It is hard to maintain a smile on your face all the time when you are dealing with all these emotions. I’ve written that I feel like a stranger in a foreign land because I’ve always been so buttoned up and now I am leaking everywhere. My feelings may not be on my sleeve but they are close to the surface. I find myself crying at the slightest everything.
I’ve written that my friends keep telling me that this is how the light gets in. Of course, everything I read lately says the same thing. “Hello Universe calling!”
I’ve spent years working on myself and considered myself to be in a really good place 4 years ago. I met “the guy” at that moment and thought that life was coming together. Uh, not so fast Suzan. Apparently that road is not it.
I thought my dad would live another 15 years based upon family genetics and that I’d have a lot of time to spend with him. Uh, not so fast Suzan. Apparently that road is not it either.
While getting healthier in some respects, I seem to have caused damage in other respects. So apparently, that road is not it either.
The business “road” is mostly a smooth path and I’ve worked very hard at paving that road so I’ll stay on it for now. I am always paving this road because as I read on a sign the other day “The road to success is always under construction”. I don’t rest on my laurels.
I have obviously however, rested on my laurels in other parts of my life and it is obvious that I am being given some tremendous lessons to learn. When my friend, Mitzy, said that I am going to have some BIG job when I get to heaven, I knew she really meant it. I really wonder about what is in store for me in my future, both near and far, because I sure feel like I’m being hit hard lately.
So it was interesting to me when, the other day my friend, Androniki (hi Andi!), said that it’s the sand that gets into the oyster shell that causes the irritation that brings forth the pearl. I never thought of it that way before. Without that grit, the wondrous, beautiful pearl would never form. She told me (paraphrasing here) that while she’s sure there are people that live in such a higher state of mind they never have anything bad happen and that they are always happy, happy, happy, she’s more sure that most of us mere mortals do have bad shit happen to us and that’s how we grow. That’s how we get to higher elevations of being. Indeed, one can define “having grit” as perseverance and passion.
In a similar vein, the Japanese have a process, called Kintsugi, which means “golden journey”. The process is one in which cracks in objects, often pottery, are filled with gold. Instead of tossing damaged objects they repair the objects by filling the cracks and beautifying the object. As a philosophy Kintsugi means recognizing the beauty in broken things, our imperfections and flaws.
For me, it means recognizing that despite all the bad shit that’s happened in the last year, there is so much for me to be thankful for and to strive for.
So begins the work. Learning to forgive others. Learning even more to forgive myself. Opening to love of others but most of all opening to love of myself. Remembering where I was 4 years ago and finding that balance again without forgetting what I’ve learned the hard way the last 4 years.
Allowing the grit, the sand in the oyster, in, so that I can allow the creation of the pearl.