A Fool No More

I have run the scenario through my head too many times to count now.

While the death of my father one year ago was possibly the most painful experience in my life, this one takes a top prize.

A man I loved, a man that I was honest with and  told  that I loved him and that I’d rather spend time with him than with almost anyone else, not only never loved me, he never considered me as a contender for his heart. He found something in me too annoying to want to live with me (but didn’t want to tell me what it was). I was never a long term prospect for his heart. 

He spent time with me, a lot of time with me over the last few months, but said multiple times during our last two conversations that it was better than staying home alone on a Saturday night. Plus at the same time he was spending that time with me, he was talking with an ex with the intention of getting back together with her. Gee, isn’t that sweet. Except that now that I’ve kept him amused for the last few months, it is now inappropriate to spend time with me and disrepectful to her. 

Well sir, over the last few months your behavior has been disrespectful to me.

I was told by multiple people over the last few years that I deserved better than him. That he was a self-centered, self-absorbed,  selfish, and conflicted man. My response was to defend him over and over and over again.

So now I feel like a fucking idiot. And I feel horribly used. And I feel like an idiot for allowing this to happen.

It makes me angry. At him. At myself.

A friend tried to tell me that it’s not on me. I opened my heart and gave freely and how that’s a beautiful thing. But I can’t help but to think that I was a fool and he played me for a fool. 

That’s on him. It will be lost on such an adept navel gazer who can’t see past his own nose, but it is on him. 

For my part,  the likes of him will not darken my door again.

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