A Fool No More

I have run the scenario through my head too many times to count now.

While the death of my father one year ago was possibly the most painful experience in my life, this one takes a top prize.

A man I loved, a man that I was honest with and  told  that I loved him and that I’d rather spend time with him than with almost anyone else, not only never loved me, he never considered me as a contender for his heart. He found something in me too annoying to want to live with me (but didn’t want to tell me what it was). I was never a long term prospect for his heart. 

He spent time with me, a lot of time with me over the last few months, but said multiple times during our last two conversations that it was better than staying home alone on a Saturday night. Plus at the same time he was spending that time with me, he was talking with an ex with the intention of getting back together with her. Gee, isn’t that sweet. Except that now that I’ve kept him amused for the last few months, it is now inappropriate to spend time with me and disrepectful to her. 

Well sir, over the last few months your behavior has been disrespectful to me.

I was told by multiple people over the last few years that I deserved better than him. That he was a self-centered, self-absorbed,  selfish, and conflicted man. My response was to defend him over and over and over again.

So now I feel like a fucking idiot. And I feel horribly used. And I feel like an idiot for allowing this to happen.

It makes me angry. At him. At myself.

A friend tried to tell me that it’s not on me. I opened my heart and gave freely and how that’s a beautiful thing. But I can’t help but to think that I was a fool and he played me for a fool. 

That’s on him. It will be lost on such an adept navel gazer who can’t see past his own nose, but it is on him. 

For my part,  the likes of him will not darken my door again.

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When You’ve Been Manipulated

For quite a while I have been told that the object of my desire is a self-centered and selfish man. I have not wanted to believe that. I have defended him every single time. I wrote this in a private entry when I  realized he never considered me as anything else but  “friend zone”.

“I am so tired of being out in the friend zone. I am a WOMAN. I am not just a friend. I don’t want to be “like a sister”. I don’t want to be the friend that is called for a good time but ignored when there’s another woman in the picture. I want to be loved like a woman. I deserve to be treated like a woman. ”

But now the words have poured from his own mouth that it was better (to go out with me) than staying home on a Saturday night. All the while he was pining for someone else and said that he never has thought of me in any way as a long term proposition. I feel very used.  And I do not know what makes me angrier, that he did it or that I allowed it.

So, although it hurts like hell, I’m gonna do this:

And I know I’ve learned an important lesson. I’m going to do my very best to stop wasting my tears on someone so self-centered that my feelings never entered his mind.

Are We Numb?

Yesterday a photo began circulating on my Facebook feed of two people walking down the pedestrian mall in my small town. One was draped in the Confederate Flag and the other was draped in the Nazi flag.  It was confirmed that it actually happened by people that saw them.

I decided to post the picture and my comment was “I thought “this has to be a bad joke” and then I saw someone else post a different picture of them as well. I can’t believe this is my town.” Other friends also posted and had some rather “lively” discussion about it on their posts. My post had a few “likes” and a few comments.

This leads me to wonder if people care or if they have just become comfortably numb.

As a lawyer, I get that they have freedom of speech rights that cannot be denied.

Nonetheless, I am deeply disturbed by the fact that this happened in my town, in broad daylight, over the Memorial Day weekend. If you take into account the meaning of Memorial Day, that they chose to do this despicable thing on this particular weekend, is deeply upsetting.

As a Jew I am upset. As an American I am upset. As a resident of this town, I am upset that so few people seem to care or be disturbed by this turn of events.

Always Looking Forward

I heard Better Midler say (this morning)    “I never look back. Never look back. Never look back. ‘Cause if you’re looking back, you can’t look forward. You can’t go forward.”​

I am working hard at looking forward and not back. Much of this has a great deal to do with forgiveness.  That is coming easier than I believed possible. 

What is harder is forgetting. I question whether I  should forget. I question whether forgetting is folly, kind of like when it’s said “those that forget history are doomed to repeat it”. So I wonder if I should remember but remember while looking forward and in a place of foregiveness. 

It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress (smile).

My Prized Irises

I’ve written about my irises before as they are what’s left of the Victorian irises given to me by my stepmom, Phyllis. 

When I moved into my house she gave me a number of iris rhizomes from her garden. When I left my house in the dead of winter, I was only able to dig up a few. It took 3 years for them to bloom. This year they are so lovely and instead of four, I have five – happy dance. 

They are not only lovely, they are a strong reminder of Phyll, whom I miss every day. I know she’d smile at this shared love of these very tall Victorian beauties.

They are as tall as my shoulder. I am 5’2-1/2″ tall. 

I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. 

Against Your Best Interest

This blog post is part political and part question. I started thinking about why people voted against their own best interest, right after our president took the oath of office.

My first true thought about this started when people living in those areas hardest hit by opioid addiction issues realized that they were going to potentially lose their health insurance if the ACA was repealed.

I personally believe that while the ACA is far from perfect, it has offered people that had no insurance the opportunity to have heath care,  perhaps for the first time in years. I would listen to news reports in which the people complained bitterly that they didn’t realize that the insurance they had was Obamacare, which they wanted repealed, or that they really didn’t think that our president would pull their insurance. This was someone else’s insurance issue.

Then there’s the story of the woman in the Midwest married to an illegal immigrant who voted for President Trump. As I recall, they’ve been married for quite a while, have children, own a business and a home, and pay taxes. Yet she voted for President Trump because he was going to, among other things, deport illegal immigrants. Somehow in her mind, deporting illegal immigrants meant deporting illegal immigrants except for her husband. He’s somehow exempt. Now her husband is being deported and she doesn’t think it’s fair. Their entire town believes it’s unfair and they, you guessed it,  voted mostly for President Trump.

Last week I had lunch with someone who told me he voted for Trump. He was warned by a friend not to vote for Trump and did it anyway and now is beginning to regret it. Why? Because he’s a federal worker who has now learned that our president plans on making good on a campaign promise to reduce the federal budget by cutting federal employment. My lunch companion was in receipt of OPM letters saying that many workers in the federal government were going to be offered early retirement packages in a first effort to reduce federal employment. My guess is that that is a first step in the reduction of federal employees. My lunch companion is upset.

So despite my hesitation in making our lunch a little too political, I said “but he promised that in his campaign”. My companion agreed, but didn’t believe it would happen. I had to do my best to not slap my forehead in disbelief.

Then this morning, while watching a piece on CBS Sunday Morning, I had yet another example of “them – not us”. The piece was about Appalshop, formed in 1969 in Appalachian Kentucky. Appalshop was formed with federal grant money in President Johnson’s War on Poverty. By all accounts, it’s an astounding success, but it gets, and relies on, federal funding through organizations such as the National Endowment of the Arts. President Trump is planning on cutting all arts funding. These people are upset.

But I’m sure you can guess what I’m going to say. The area of Kentucky that most benefits from this program voted for Trump.

And again I shook my head in disbelief.

There’s a part of me that thinks “Good. All of these people need to lose all of their benefits, their health care, their jobs. This is a lesson they need to learn.” Perhaps they need to hurt really badly. Lose their livelihoods, lose their insurance, their programs.

Yet, the other part of me, the part that these people call “snowflake” and “liberal” with a sneer, has more compassion for them than they apparently have for themselves. We cannot allow these programs to be cut. These people will be irreparably harmed. We will all be harmed but these people the most. Perhaps we need to treat them like children who do not understand the bigger picture and we have the responsibility to protect them from themselves.

So I fight against this.

Although I will not be having lunch with my lunch companion again. I don’t think I can listen to the complaining and hand-wringing with a straight face another time.